I know I'm not the biggest with sharing my life stuff and what not. I don't always tell everybody everything that's on my mind and there are a lot of things - huge things from my life - that none of you know. And that's just the way I am. I don't like to go on about things that happened to me, or that were painful or whatever, because I either don't feel capable of articulating things, or just feel as if telling them would be like trying to one-up people or turn the spotlight on myself, which is not something that I like to do. More often than not, it's that second one. A lot of the time, I want to talk about these things that have hurt me and shaped me, but I don't feel right bringing them up. Because it would make me look like an attention hog or like I'm looking for pity, which I am not. So I keep my mouth shut on a lot of personal things. But I don't think that makes me a worse friend. I don't think that the fact that I keep a lid on my personal past makes me any less accessible or friendly or caring. I still believe that one of the basics of friendship is being able to share things with one another and tell each other just about anything. And its not as if I don't feel I could tell you all these things, its not that I don't think you'd understand or that you'd think less of me or anything, its just that I haven't really found a time that I felt it would be appropriate to tell them.
But really, I didn't sit down here to write about myself and all the little skeletons in my closet or whatever. I came here to say that I think friendship means talking, telling the truth, and not hiding anything from one another, especially not something that would involve the other. I think true friendship is being able to communicate freely with one another and not feel the need to hide anything, especially not something that involves the person you are hiding it from. And with that, all my eloquence went out the window, but I guess that's not what I came here for either.
I've had a lot of pain in my life, a lot of hard times. And that is not to say that all of you haven't had pain or hard times, either. In fact, I know that each and every one of you has had big time legitimate pain in you life, because that is part of being alive. My pain does not set me apart from any of you, it does not mean that I have had a harder life or that I have needed to be stronger than any of you to get through it, but it is what it is. I've had pain caused by friends, caused by men, caused by adults, and caused by circumstances,and I know all of you have had that, too. It's inescapable. But the pain that is caused when you are completely ignored and circumvented by someone who you thought was such a close friend, well, I don't even really know what to say about it, or what to do to change it.
And I know some of what I said may sound contradictory, and at the risk of sounding cliche or stupid or whatever, I'm always right here, and I'll share anything you want me to share. I'm not afraid or embarrassed to talk about anything that has happened to me, but I don't like to look like I'm trying to draw attention to myself or trying to steal the spotlight or whatever. I guess I sort of expect that from my friends, that they won't be afraid to talk to me. Am I intimidating? Am I inaccessible or hard to talk to? If I am, please tell me, because I don't want to be. The pain that is caused when you a friend lies to you (by omission, or any other thing) is something that I don't believe should have to happen. I hate it, and I hate the pain that goes with it.
Sorry for my long-winded dissertation, it was just something that I felt I had to say.
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