calypsa | (no subject)

Sometimes I want to move out of my house so bad I could scream. My head throbs and I get so angry my teeth hurt. It’s not that I mind paying the bills and buying the groceries and helping to support my mother and sister. It has to be done and I’m the only one who can do it. But this fact has held me down in a job that I hate so much I sometimes see red because we live so hand-to-mouth that we literally could not afford for me to be out of work for even one week.

My mother INFURIATES me by giving ME a guilt trip when I ask where my own money went and getting angry when she can’t account for it. Forgive me for getting a little pissed that some three hundred dollars disappeared into the ether for “a good reason” that she can’t even fucking remember. How the fuck can you forget spending three hundred dollars? And after she tells me she isn’t sure where virtually my ENTIRE paycheck went she tells me that there is still the electrical bill to pay and that I have to dip into my savings (which is hard enough to put a dollar into with the way we live) so that we can fucking pay it. Where did my fucking paycheck go while the goddamn electrical bill was sitting on the kitchen table all week long that we now have to take money from my extremely inadequate savings to pay for it?

I can’t do anything. I am so fucking trapped right now I might as well be in a goddamn zoo. We can’t afford to insure a second car and my mother got us a car that I can’t even drive. Fucking awesome. I can’t even leave this fucking mountain under my own power. I can do my own motherfucking banking which really pisses me off. If I could at least control my fucking banking, I would feel like I had a fucking say in where my fucking money goes, but I can’t even do that. I have to ASK my MOTHER to give me a portion of my OWN CHECK for my own use. I fucking can’t take it anymore.

And changing my situation is completely impossible, which is probably the most frustrating thing. My mother is incapable of supporting the three of us so I couldn’t get a “starter job” in any given profession, even if anyone was hiring. I don’t make enough a week so save more than a disgustingly pathetic sum which will never amount to anything, especially when I can’t even fucking hold on to it in the face of fucking guilt trips like “Fine, let them turn off the electricity for three days until you get paid, I don’t care.” Don’t go fucking passive aggressive either, because you are the one who was magically able to spend three hundred dollars and not even bring home any groceries with it. What the fuck!?

And the fact that I know what I want to do is like the carrot on the impossibly long string. It is so fucking depressing to know that I will most likely NEVER in my life be able to make enough money to start my own business. I would probably kill myself if I wasn’t so pragmatic. So what will I do with the rest of my life? Because if I get stuck in this godforsaken dead-end hell hole I will jump off a cliff.

I usually do a really good job of distracting myself from how depressing my life can be, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm naturally fairly buoyant, though I do have the occasional tendency to brood. But my life has basically been hijacked by other people's needs, and I didn't even go out and get myself pregnant as a teenager or something else equally stupid. I have been nothing but good my whole fucking life. I do what I'm told, I help when I can, and what do I get for it? A fuck of a lot of nothing. You'd think I could get a break occasionally. But no. And I've been becoming an increasingly angry person over the last two years. And I don't want to be, I hate being angry because it makes me feel helpless and I just get angrier until I give myself a headache. I hate it. It takes very little to make me happy, which I guess is good because that's all I generally get.

Sorry. Maybe if I get some sleep I can go back to having some success with distracting myself from how unhappy I really am.